You are literally hours away from Miami.
And in a couple days, you’ll be back here. It feels like years ago that I dropped you off at the Waterfront. I’m glad you’re coming back because sometimes I feel like I’ve forgotten details about you and it really irritates me.
Like I miss your voice. It somehow doesn’t sound the same over a voice note. And I miss the way you smell. And being in your arms. I miss being in your arms the most.
When you hold me, I feel as if the entire universe has stopped and if I was stressed or anxious or tired before, it’s all immediately calm and peaceful.
I’m so incredibly stressed right now – I could use a minute of quiet with you.
I’m trying to take a minute now. It’s 1:34am and everyone is asleep. We’ve had the silliest day imaginable and we’re all exhausted. I do really need the sleep but I also need the peace so I’m taking it.
I’m listening to one of my favourite albums ever, Tove Lo’s Queen of the Clouds.
The current track is called Paradise.
Said I want you for a million days
You say you want the same with me
With love for real without the lies
Is that what they call paradise?
I only ever realise it when I’m gone but my apartment has become my little safe space.
Even just one night away and I miss my bed and my candles and MY FREAKING DOGS. I wonder if Wilson is missing me. My needy little puppy.
Anyway, I’m trying to think of all the last things I want to write to you before you come home.
First, I’ve never been more panicked in my life than reading your message last wee about the car accident. The possibility of losing you when I was literally on the other side of the world was indescribable. I don’t think I even fully processed it until much later. Even now when I say it out loud, it seems made up.
You are my absolute favourite person in the entire world. You are in my head no matter what I do. Sometimes, I close my eyes for a second and I can almost feel you next to me.
It hurts and then I remember that I get to see you soon and have you with me. The idea that I could lose you is terrifying. I don’t know what my life would look like. Or how I’d go back. Meeting you changed everything, even me.
I also want to tell you that I love you. I hope you know how much. I hope that you know that when I tell you to be safe, what I mean is that I need you to be safe.
I was talking to Jose about you the other day. And after I recounted the events from the previous week, he says to me, “This Dan has a real hold on you, hey.”
And because I’m me and generally my go-to emotion is panic, I denied it in a way that very apparently denial. (I’m sure you can imagine.) After which he laughed and said, “Look at you, catching feelings of all kinds.”
It made me laugh because I immediately flashed back to having that conversation with Bianca, when she said to me, “Oh god, you’re starting to actually like him! You better not fall in love.”
Why can’t I ever just follow instruction? 😛
By the way, I was looking at these cottages out in Hogsback and one of them was literally on a cliff in a forest WITH A BATH TUB FOR TWO.
Also, it was like R2 000 a night but that’s not the point. Who needs to like, pay bills and buy food?
I got distracted. What was I saying? Oh right. Feelings. Yes, so many of them. Ugh.
I mostly can’t wait to talk to you, and hear all your long, boring stories. I hope your friends decide to like me so that we can do something all together. I mean, I don’t know why they don’t. I’m very likeable! Most of the time. Some of the time. Okay, mostly never. But still, they don’t know that. Just tell them that I am. Then by the time they figure out that I’m not, it’s too late and they already kind of like me. (It’s a trap.)
What if they never like me?! You can make new friends right? Like long-haired, somewhat alcoholic climbers must be dime a dozen? :’)
I got distracted again.
I truly haven’t had a connection with anyone like I do with you. And at almost 27, if that isn’t the saddest thing you ever heard … But it’s true. Every day that passes, it becomes more apparent. Even from so far away, and talking to you only a handful of times in the last few weeks, you’re the person I feel closest to.
This is going to sound strange but I feel sometimes like I’m in a whole new life. Like whatever I was doing before I met you was some strange faraway dream and I’ve woken up to you.
Speaking of waking up, I have to be up in like 4 hours so I better get some sleep. I love you so much, Daniel. I love you with every tiny inch of me.
Having you in my life has been an utter revelation.