Today was positively dreadful.
I’m having all these frustrations with work that I’m struggling to voice to the team and I’m not entirely sure how to deal with it. It’s been on my mind for a few weeks now, and today has just been the culmination of all that stress.
I think the two biggest issues that I’m trying to grapple with are: there’s an imbalance within the company between what the guys want us to offer as a service and what clients expect to receive as well as the success outcomes of that work on both sides and secondly, a bigger existential issue that I’m facing which is: do I still believe in this work that I’m doing?
I also don’t feel a sense of progression in terms of the level of work that I do. In fact, in some ways because I’m working for a start up now, it’s like I’ve gone backwards.
Anyway, I’m going to spend a couple hours on it tomorrow and on Monday. I want to write to the guys and get it all down and organised because I don’t like how this affects my mental state.
It tends to snowball into each other – when I feel unproductive and unfulfilled at work, I struggle to keep everything else in focus. And of course, because it’s not enough for my mind to be a state of complete and utter disarray, my body also just gives up. So I’ve been exhausted this week despite the fact that I’ve done nothing.
So as of right now (10:54pm on the last Friday of 2017), this shambles of a life that’s been happening is getting back in its lane.
I was using having you around as an escape (or an excuse?) to not address it. But I can’t possibly bury my head in the sand any longer. First on the priority list is sorting out this work stuff.
I need to also get my diet back in line after these holidays and get back into the gym. I feel disgusting, and I’ve been feeling sick for a couple days which I’m sure is all to do with the fact that I’ve been consuming nothing but carbs and sugars for a few straight weeks.
Of course, this inner angst has also seeped into my thoughts about you and I’ve been having horrid dreams this week. I’ve been having awful thoughts about you coming back not feeling the same way, or deciding to not come back at all. It all makes me feel a bit sick and I’m trying to keep it out of my thoughts because I know it all comes out of the anxiety I’m feeling about everything else being out of control.
I wish I could ring you to talk about all this, and for you to reassure me because I know I’m going to the crazy place.
Saturday evening now. The heat of the day is starting to fade a little. I’m lying in bed, I have two new poetry books, and I’m going to make some coffee.
You are on my mind, as always. I miss your lips, and your hands, and being wrapped up in your arms.
My memories of you seem to exist most starkly in hot, summer days: still, and sticky; bodies pressed together; love urgent and burning.
If I close my eyes, I can almost feel you lying beside me. I’m off to day dream a little more about you now.
Even from an ocean away, thoughts of you make my heart race.